Coming Together in Marriage

So this was the last week of my Family Relations class here at BYU-Idaho, and one of the things that I really enjoyed learning about was the reality of marriage and how two people come together to make something wonderful and magical. As an example our teacher provided us with the example of the song titled "Love Story meets Viva La Vida" composed by the musical artists known as The Piano Guys. At the end of this blog post I have attached the link so that if you would like to you can view the video. But in this song it provides a great example of how to individuals with two different talents and abilities come together to make a successful and wonderful creation, in this case it is the beautiful song that is composed. In marriage you take two individuals that have different qualities, traits, and characteristics, and with work and effort, these two individuals are able to make their marriage a wonderful and cherished event. The song took a lot of work and effort in order for it to turn out as great as it did; it wasn't something that just came easy. The same thing occurs in marriage; in order for it to work and turn out great, there must be work and effort put in by both of the individuals within the marriage.

Another lesson that can be learned from this song by The Piano Guys is that at the beginning it is the song "Love Story" which is a soft, sweet song where everything is happy and love is plentiful. But then they switch to the song "Viva La Vida" which means "Living Life". Everyone views marriage as something blissful, sweet, and wonderful, but then they realize that after a while it's not just all lovey-dovey and magical, but life occurs and we have to live life. And then usually we see at the end of marriage when the couple becomes older, they go back to the love story of marriage where everything is wonderful and magical like it was in the beginning, just like the song ends with "Love Story". But this song has many high and low tempos, and this can relate to marriage as there are ups and downs in marriage as well. But without these highs and lows, marriage would be somewhat boring if it was just the same thing over and over again; the same thing happens with the song because without the changes in the tempo, the music would be very monotone and somewhat boring. I have really enjoyed this class and hope to continue learning about families as I continue on in life.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dE4rhONTGyM

The Importance of Allowing Natural Consequences to Teach Our Children

In this week's class discussions, one of the things that stood out the most to me was how as parents, it is important for us to allow the natural consequences of our children's behaviors and actions to teach them rather than us trying to interfere with these natural consequences. At first I was thinking that the reason that many times parents interfere with the natural consequences of their child's actions and behaviors is because they want to rescue their child from being potentially embarrassed or emotionally hurt. But when parents interfere with the natural consequences of their children's choices, they are denying their children the opportunity to learn important and vital lessons that can help them learn important information for their future decisions in life. I strongly believe that parents should allow the natural consequences of their child's behavior and actions to teach their children.
There are some exceptions to this idea though; parents should allow the natural consequences to teach their children except in the following three situations:

1. The natural consequences are too dangerous;
2. The natural consequences are too far into the future;
3. Others are adversely affected by the natural consequences.

If parents interfere with the natural consequences in other situations that do not fit into the three situations listed above, the parents are likely to be denying their children the important life learning lessons that accompany these natural consequences. I have a couple examples of my own in regards to this; when I was in high school, I didn't really like talking on the phone unless I was talking with my friends. Every time that I needed to call someone other than my friends, I would ask my mom to call them for me, whether it was my boss, a store to ask them a question, or my high school teachers or staff members. There were times that my mom would call for me if I was busy doing something else, but for the most part she would make me call them no matter how much I didn't want to be the one to call them. Because my mom had me call people that I needed to talk to in order to get certain information, I learned how to properly and effectively communicate with people over the phone, and I am no longer afraid or reluctant to call people and talk to them. If my mom would have just called everyone for me, she would have denied me the opportunity to learn how to appropriately communicate with individuals over the phone, and it is likely that I would still ask her to call people for me. I am glad that my mom allowed the natural consequences to teach me the importance of calling people on my own; without it, I don't think I would be as comfortable talking on the phone as I am.

Another example that I have experienced, especially being here at college, is financing and budgeting my money. When I first started attending college I didn't have a job; I mostly relied on my savings and the money that I saved from my previous job back home. Coming from a very small town where the closest store is an hour away, I never really had too many opportunities to spend money. So when I came to college and there were stores all around me, I didn't really know how to effectively budget my money. I remember calling home to my parents and asking them if they could transfer some money into my account so I had more money to spend, and if I really needed it they would, but many of the times they told me that I needed to learn how to budget my money. They gave me $50.00 a week, and I had to learn how to budget it effectively in order to make it last and get the things I really needed. If I ran out of money, I knew that I wasn't going to get any more until the next week. At first I was really bad with budgeting, but after a couple weeks I got the hang of it and I did really well. Although it was hard at first, the natural consequences of running out of money and not having any until the next week taught me the importance of budgeting my money. If my parents would have just given me more and more money, I wouldn't have learned the important and vital lesson of saving and budgeting money. After my first year of school I got a job, and because I had learned the lesson of budgeting money effectively, I was able to appropriately save, budget, and spend my money. If I hadn't learned that lesson, I am sure I would still be struggling with budgeting my money. So I am definitely grateful that my parents allowed the natural consequences to teach me important life lessons. 

Even though it may be hard to watch your children struggle at times, it is important that we allow the natural consequences to teach our children; it is from these natural consequences that they learn some of the most beneficial and important lessons of life. There are some circumstances that natural consequences should be interfered with, but for the most part, we as parents need to allow these natural consequences to teach our children important lessons in life.

How Work Early On Can Prepare Us for Work Later On

In this week's class we talked a lot about the impact that work can have on families. One thing that had a lot of meaning for me was how work early on, whether it's through household chores or an actual job, can prepare us for work later on in life as adults. As I have looked at my own experiences, I agree; work early on does prepare us for work later on in life. When I first attended college, I was living on my own with roommates that I had never known before for the first time. But because I had taken care of household chores previous to going to college, I knew how to take care of myself and do the things that needed to be done around the apartment to keep things functioning. The experiences that I had earlier in life, such as the household chores of washing dishes, doing laundry, sweeping, mopping, etc. had prepared me to accomplish these tasks when I was living on my own. Living on my own at college I was able to appreciate the lessons that work early on had provided me with that allowed me to be prepared for the work that would lie ahead of me once I was living on my own. Looking back, I am grateful for my parents teaching me the importance of doing chores and having me do work around the house; without it I may not have been able to work effectively and take care of necessary things when I was out on my own later on.
Another experience that I have had with this topic is in regards to the actual jobs that I had while I was still living at home with my parents. Before attending college, I had summer jobs in my hometown, whether it was doing yard work, cooking, babysitting, or staining porches and decks. Through these experiences I was able to learn the importance of work and what it took to make work more effective for me. I learned what work tactics worked best for me, and how to get jobs and tasks done efficiently in a timely manner. Once I moved away and began college, I was able to get a job working in a retail store in the town I attend college in. Because of the previous experiences I had working before I went to college, I was able to know how to work effectively in this job that I had later on in college. I knew how to work effectively with my managers, how to complete tasks in a timely manner, and also I learned how to work effectively in a work environment. If I hadn't had those previous experiences with work while I was living at home, going to work at college would have been a lot harder for me and it would have been more of a challenge learning how to work effectively in my job later on in college. Because of my experiences, I strongly believe that work early on prepares us for the work that we will do later on in life as adults.

How Do We Understand Messages From Others?

In this week's class, one thing that I found very interesting was the way that we understand messages from other individuals. As we were discussing this in class, I came to the conclusion that we don't always decode and understand messages from others by the words that are spoken, but instead we decode and understand these messages more from the tone of voice that is used and the nonverbal cues given, such as body language. In class we were given the percentage that each of these three components plays a part in decoding messages from others:

• Words = 14%
• Tone of Voice = 35%
• Nonverbal Cues = 51%

I thought that this was very interesting, and as I looked at my own examples of conversations that I have had with various individuals that it is true; we typically don't understand the message being delivered by another simply by the words that are spoken, but instead we also take into account the tone of voice and the nonverbal cues that are given in the conversation. And when the words that are spoken don't line up with the tone of voice or the body language, we tend to interpret the message from the tone of voice and body language rather than from the words that are spoken. One example that I have came from last night; I got home from work and was kind of tired, and one of my roommates asked me if I wanted to watch a movie with her. I paused and I kind of scrunched up my face as if to say "I don't know", but I told her that I would. But instead of her understanding my message from my words, she read my body language and facial expressions and said "You don't have to if you don't want to." I immediately realized that she was decoding my message through the nonverbal cues that I was giving rather than the actual words that I had said. This showed me that people really do decode our messages through our tone of voice and nonverbal cues rather than just by the words that we speak.

Another example comes from an episode of the TV show FRIENDS that I watched. Joey and Chandler are discussing the new roommate that Joey has, who happens to be a girl. Chandler thinks that the apartment is becoming too girly, and he then proceeds to tell Joey that he is becoming a woman. Joey then says, "Why would you say that, that's just mean!" Chandler replies and asks if he's upset Joey, and what it was that he said that upset him. Joey responds and says, "It's not what you said, it's how you said it." I thought that this was a good example of how people decode messages through an individual's tone of voice. The character Joey felt that it was more of how Chandler said the words rather than the words themselves that were mean and hurtful. 

As we discussed this topic during class, I was able to gain a lot of insight into how we as individuals decode and understand messages from other individuals. Not only do we take into account the actual words that are spoken, but we also take into account the tone of voice and nonverbal cues that are given as well. This in turn has really helped me to understand how we decode and understand messages from others.

How Crisis Can Prepare us for Later Events in Life

In this week's class we have been learning a lot about crisis within families and how we can cope with these additional stresses. As we were talking about this, the idea that struck me the most was how certain crises (especially if it is the first time that something of this nature has occurred) can help prepare us to cope and deal with future crises of a similar type. I believe that this is true; I believe that experiencing different events and crises can help prepare us for future stresses in life.
When I was in high school, one of my grandmothers and a very close friend of mine passed away around the same time. This was the first time that I had ever really had anyone that was close to me pass away, and it was devastating to me. I remember crying for days and just feeling alone; I kept to myself for the most part and didn't really talk to anyone because I didn't know how to deal with the pain of losing someone that I loved so much. Last year, my other grandmother passed away. This too was a very difficult event to go through, especially since I was very close to her and loved her dearly. But because of my previous experience, I knew that it was okay for me to cry and feel sad about my grandmother passing away; I also knew that I needed my family and friends during this time and I needed to talk with them instead of shutting them out in order to make it through this crisis. Because I had previously experienced the death of some individuals who I was close to, I knew what helped me to cope and what didn't, and therefore I was able to deal with the most recent passing away of my other grandmother more effectively and in a way that was healthier for me.
Another personal example of mine that demonstrates this idea that experiences can prepare us for future stresses and crises was when I was in middle school. My best friend at the time was going to be moving away, and I felt like there was little hope that I would ever see her again. This made it somewhat difficult for me to make friends after this crisis occurred because I felt like they would all end up leaving. But I later realized that I could go and visit her and she could come visit me (with the help of our parents of course since we were only in middle school). Then during high school when a family that I was really close to moved away, I still felt sad that they were leaving and that I wouldn't get to see them as often, but I knew that I would be able to go and visit them sometime and that we would still remain good friends no matter what. The first crisis of my best friend moving away definitely helped prepare me for the future moving away of the family that I was very close to. Even though both events were hard, I knew after the second moving, which involved the family, that everything was going to be okay and that I could deal with this stress effectively.
I strongly believe that our experiences in this life, especially our first experiences with new events or crises, will help prepare us for future events or crises that may come in our life. These events teach us valuable lessons in regards to coping and handling these stresses, which makes our outcomes more positive and beneficial in the end.

Who will teach our children?

Today in class we talked about something that I think is very important; today we talked about the importance of teaching our children, especially in regards to marital intimacy. I think that it is crucial that we as parents take the time to talk to our children and teach them about marital intimacy as they become old enough to understand this concept. Now I know this may be an awkward or challenging topic to discuss with our children, but think about it, if we don't teach our children this important information, who will? Most likely it will be the rest of the world that will teach them about marital intimacy, and honestly, the world may teach our children incorrectly and provide them with ideas and beliefs that are contrary to our own beliefs. Teaching our children the truth about the sanctity and sacredness of marital intimacy can provide them with information that can later help them fight against the temptations of the world in regards to this topic. Christian author and speaker Joe Beam stated:

 By telling . . . the truth about God’s intent for sex in marriage, we [don’t set them] up for temptation or sin or anything but a wonderful marriage. . . . Besides, we know that the forces of Satan work best in the dark, not in the light [see John 3:19-20]. It’s the misguidance and misinformation that teens get from each other or provocative TV shows and movies that sets up temptation. The truth—the light—gives the power to overcome those temptations.

Today there are so many sources of information in the world, but these aren't always sources that we can trust to teach our children truth. In order for us to teach our children the correct principles and ideas in regards to marital intimacy, we must take the time ourselves to sit down with our children and teach them the truth, that marital intimacy is not a bad thing, but it must be done in the proper and correct situations within marriage. Now I know that there are some people who feel like their children's schools or church organizations will teach their children about these important topics, but we need to remember that it is our responsibility as parents to teach our children these things in the home. The First Presidency of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints has stated:

Parents have a God-given duty to teach their children to understand the laws and ordinances of the gospel of Jesus Christ (D&C 68:25-28). Parents cannot properly shift this duty to other persons or organizations. . . ."Many public and private schools are offering instruction on human sexuality and related subjects. Parents should be aware of the content of such instruction, so they can supplement it with appropriate teachings of moral values and responsibilities in the home. . . .

So even though we may feel like our children's schools and church organizations may be able to teach our children about marital intimacy, we must remember that it is our duty and responsibility as parents to teach our children the proper and correct information. And if our children's schools or other organizations do talk about these subjects, it is important that we as parents know exactly what is being presented and taught to our children in these settings to ensure that they are receiving correct and appropriate teachings that reflect the moral values taught within our homes. As we take an active part in our children's lives and make sure that we are teaching them correct and appropriate principles and values in regards to marital intimacy, we can have greater assurance that they will know the truth about marital intimacy; that is, it is not something that is wrong and dirty, but instead it is a sacred and sanctified act that needs to be used only within the bonds of marriage to ensure that it remains sacred and sanctified. If we don't teach our children these important lessons and values, we may find that the world will teach them to our children in ways that are inappropriate and inconsistent with our own beliefs and morals.

Differences in Responses to Incompatibility

So one thing that I found really interesting this week in or class discussions was how the differences in responses to incompatibility in a marriage can impact the quality of a marriage and impact its ability to last. We discussed how couples who are heading towards divorce have around 10 areas of significant incompatibility between them and their partner. We then talked about how couples who are doing well and are happy in their marriage have around 10 areas of significant incompatibility between them and their partner. That's right, those couples who are heading towards divorce and those that are happy and doing well in their marriage both have around 10 areas of significant incompatibility. You would think that those who are happy in their marriages would have fewer areas of incompatibility. But this isn't always true!
I found this very interesting, and wondered how this could be true. But then we talked about how the difference is how each couple responds to these areas of incompatibility. Generally those couples that are happy and doing well are accepting and accommodating of one another's differences. They make adjustments and accommodations where needed, which allows them to find happiness and success in marriage despite areas of incompatibility. Meanwhile those who are headed toward divorce are unable or unwilling to make accommodations and adjustments that would benefit their marital satisfaction.
I really enjoyed this discussion because it allowed me to see that it really depends on how we respond to our areas of incompatibility with others that determines whether we will experience happiness and success in marriage or if we will head towards divorce. I can't wait to see what next week has in store!
(And mid-term week has officially ended, so the semester is halfway over! Woo!)